Tuesday, March 28, 2017

So, Facing the Fear

After that tribute to one of my many people who believe in me, it struck me about one thing: the fear of losing someone
Deaths have always been about losing someone
Whether or not s/he is important to you, still it is all about losing
There are books about dealing with losses
However, to me it is about the fear
Losing is imminent
Something that we can never say no to
Even though we do deny it
It's the fear that makes us afraid of it

So, I learned about something
I learned on how to deal with it: face it
That is how
We have to face the fear to reduce the impacts that it might have on us

My story goes when I heard about the passing of my grandmother, the one who I lived with while I was growing up, while I was trying to understand how the world works
She did not literally taught me things
The fact that she is important to me was that because she always there, physically
Regardless how emotionally absence she could be, but the fact that she was there the whole time
She was there when I needed to have meals
She was there when I needed some company
She was there when I needed to have some just have chat with
Random stuffs
It did not have to be heavy matters to be discussed

She passed away when no one would ever expected
She passed away
I learned it the hard way
Why? I was literally across the globe when she drew her last breath
My nenek
She is gone
She is no longer alive
She is no longer living the world I am in

I did not felt anything when I learned about the news
I felt ok
Not until I started to digest the fact about the passing
I cracked
My life with her just flashed before my eyes
The moment when we fed the cats
The moment when I learned how to rubber tap
The moment when I was asked to fold a mountain of clothes when she came and sit down with me helping me out
It was a house chore and we lived in a multigenerational house
Having said that, there were literally plentiful of clothes to be folded
It was sweet when the flashback kicked in

I still couldn't believe that she is gone
Until I saw the photo sent by my sister

She was one of the persons that I am scared of losing
I lost two most important persons that include her
The pang of losing is just hard to take in
It was in October 2016
I was just about to finish my master's degree

Then, my sponsor asked me to go back
That's when I was hesitated
I was scared
I was nervous
I was feeling awkward
Should I go back? I asked myself that
Not because I did not want to, I wanted to
But the fact that I had to face the music
One of the greatest loss
I put that thought at the back of my head and I headed back

So, when I got back, I forced myself to plan out the visit to her tomb
I managed
It was just that I needed to see it myself
I wanted to face it
Just like how I did to my late stepfather, faced the fear to go and visit his tomb
I knew about his passing when I was away
Just the same case
I wanted to do it again, for nenek

I went to the graveyard
It was afternoon
Went with some of my family members
There was her tomb
I believe it now that she is gone
It was hard to believe but I have to
Something that I cannot deny
Just that I haven't visit the house yet
The place I grew up at
The place where we were living together

The point is, whatever things that hold yourself back because you are afraid of it, face it
Trust me
In the end, it is not that bad
Not bad at all
Gonna test this on other case
I fear of rejection
Rejection hurts
So, let see if this lesson will help me cope that fear ;]


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