Sunday, June 12, 2016

So, Should The Relationship Worth Being Given a Try?

My question: What people really look for when it comes to companion or a relationship? Speaking from the point of view of a hopeless romantic, I find it is ridiculous that people always toss whatever built for a relationship down the drain just like that when they just feel "I'm so done". What mood I am in right now? Verily heartbroken and feeling sorry for everything including myself. I am on my way back, in a flight, trying to survive the long haul flight, and watching devastating reality, not really the exact reality, of being in a relationship is totally not a good idea. I just feel so bad about life in general, where I try to build relationship, instead I pushed the people away, or they it just happen that I grow the dislikeness in them especially when I tried so hard to attract them. You know why I would do that? Because I treasure relationship. Sometimes, I might get carried away while straightening myself out of other self-inflicted issues, I hate to admit that I might abandon people who care. Why am I being so defensive now? I am just confused. Then, what people really want for a relationship?

I rarely been into a serious relationship. They were rather disappointing than to brag about it, how great they were back then. This happen may be because I keep on focusing on the bad times of the experience, not giving the chance of good times to shine its way while walking down the memory lane.

Let me dance around... lalalala
I watched 27 Dresses, my all-time favorite, which breaks my heart every time I watch Jane is brokenhearted that the person she admires is admiring someone else, instead of herself for being so devoted, empathetic, and caring. However, the ending always find its way too soothe me back to my senses. I feel so alive. Being broken then mended.

It hit me at the right places, to make me feel so bad and sorry for myself...
The second movie that got me into thinking about this is Blue Valentine. The happy heart just turned so blue. I thought the guy is so nice that he tried all he had to win back his wife's heart, for whatever reason her feelings are waning towards the marriage. In my opinion, she is the one to be blamed. She is seeking solace during her bleak days before she met this crazy spontaneous guy that was, still is I guess, in love with her but she just feel like she was already fell out of love for him. He tried to talk to her, but then she is right when she tried to talk him in that he always twist it back to her. In his defense, don't she just get it already that he enjoyed being a father, which he never thought of doing that before. He somehow bury his dreams (whatever they were) in the grave that he intends to give his daughter the best childhood that he never had. Therefore, she should be understanding but she doesn't want to. Instead, she keeps on provoking him into being something useful other than doing freelance mover job and nursing their daughter. He literally saved her, did something that he didn't want (being a father), took great care of her daughter. However, she just wanted it to be over. He never uses battery or anything that would hurt her but she keeps on hurting him emotionally. I feel so bad for that guy. I find it so romantic and caring for a man who looks after his kids. Then, I clicked on the music. The Ballads compilation in the SQ has all I needed to continue feeling sorry for myself. It is rather disturbing, but, unusually, comforting at the same time.

Is that how relationship will always gonna end like?


Monday, June 6, 2016

So, Withdrawal Syndrome Strikes

When I finished the spring semester, as usual as the norm of a spring semester - at least to me - was the difficult semester compared to the fall semester. Thank God I am done with the spring semester, at least for now. I never had any summer courses, never intend to do so because I just want to complete the program according to the initial plan. Why? Because I haven't quite figured out yet the subsequent plan after graduation. Therefore, I am gonna use all the time granted upon me to do all the thinking and planning, which I hope would be one of the things that I am considering doing. Not gonna end it ever so quickly. I believe it's gonna get along with the thinking process *praying hard*.

idk if I look like this when I pray, do I?

Well, I learned a lot, I guess, from the most recent semester. It was rather tough, but I think it was enough to morph me into a butterfly, not yet a beautiful one, which I believe in reincarnation where I can turn into a better butterfly. Why? Because every time I make mistakes, I learn that it will help me to grow, in different perspectives, be it learning new information or useful skills. Therefore, learning from mistakes I made is the reincarnation process, which I will continue on turning into a better butterfly. That is basically my plan for this phase of my life. I used to be so scared to avoid mistakes as it took the most of me even I just lost the essence of myself. I always think of myself to be that nice person which I love to hang around, make them laugh, make people feel good about themselves, but because of I am avoiding the mistakes, I realized I learned less and pushed so many people away, including my loved ones. Realizing so many things along the journey in the city that never sleeps, I would like to take a step back before I move forward. And I am glad I did.

Speaking about mistakes does not mean we are allowed to make mistake intentionally. We shall avoid as much obvious mistakes, since we are learning, vigilant enough to find ways to overcome the unknown. However, there are limits that we might not be able to avoid. Instead of being so scared and afraid to fail, be daring enough to continue on doing what we might feel the best, after considering many factors and options, at least at that point of time, to complete the task or whatever at hand. On the same hand, we shall understand the potential ordeals, if the following decision was about to be made, in order to be prepared, however, putting aside the fear is one of the best ways to deal with under such circumstances.

So, the semester is over. I went for a quick trip to Niagara Falls with a few pit stops along the way and celebrated the convocation of my close friends, who are going to leave me soon. After that, there was nothing much to do. Therefore, the withdrawal syndrome struck. I thought it was just something temporary that was bothering me and will go away. I am still considering that I stopped taking my dietary supplements might be one of the reasons. Feeling depressed is very normal to me every now and then. Usually it just goes away. But this time around, I feel so bad that lasted quite a long time. I didn't feel like going out, didn't feel like talking to anyone, or even to do something. Like literally wanting so badly to sleep through the day wanting so badly for the day to end. However, I was sane enough not to skip my meals and I had normal appetite during the period. So, what happened?

After talking to my friends about it, my close ones, after a couple of failed attempts because everyone has their own commitments. A reminder that I have to keep reminding myself over and over again: The world DOES NOT revolve only around you.

So, withdrawal syndrome happened. Literally, A withdrawal syndrome, also called a discontinuation syndrome is a set of symptoms occurring in discontinuation or dosage reduction of some types of medications.

I realized that I had nothing to do with school for the time being made me feel so bad that I just have to laze around. It is like you just got into the rhythms of a dance and you really enjoy dancing, but there's no music to dance to, even you can just turn on the music on but somehow the idea of having no music at that particular time just shut that part of your brain to find the source of the music. I was so into what I did, even I had panic attacks when the school supposedly finished but I still had something to submit. Ironically, when it was over, I felt so lost as if I did not have anything to do, even I can just open a book and read something that interests me, but it was kinda hard.

Another contributing factor could be the fact that my close friends are about to leave. Might be my mind was elsewhere in its own dreamland imagining the days without them unconsciously. They are so awesome people who always been there for me physically here in the city when I need a friend. They lift me up, they help me out of the mess I was in. They were awesome, and still are. My mind just wandered the empty space. Not really understanding the situation, but to roam aimlessly within the realm that I called, "emptiness". I was imagining what happened if my doses of happiness had been stopped from being subscribed to me.

Even I tried to "resuscitate" myself to be back alive by trying to do stuffs that I would always love doing, but it didn't work. I watched and prepared so many episodes of TV series that my friends recommended me to watch, which usually excited me but I was not. Watched the whole two seasons of Jane the Virgin, then I realized something.

I realized that I have to realize and comprehend the state of mind that I was in. Also, I realized that I need time to realize. It cannot happen just with a snap of the fingers. If it was too soon, then, everything would snap. Why? Because we might learn less than what we should have learned. It took me at least a week to realize. Another reason might be because of the people I am surrounded by. Then, the reminder is back in place: The world DOES NOT revolve only around you

Then, earlier today, I had to speak with my friend on our way back to our houses. Interestingly, she has the same beliefs that I might have forgotten along the way while I had my metamorphosis. I am really glad that I was reminded to believe in it again. Thank you kakak for reminding me. Thank you for bringing me back up on track. You are annoying at times, but like we always been told, don't judge a book by its cover, even the fact that we are always compelled to judge no matter how we tried not to. But then again, you remind me to just think good thoughts, nevertheless. You are just inspirational and I adore you. Lots of love.

Learning is a lifelong process that shall never stop.

This post might sound cheesy to some, I hope it helps the other half of the people reading this. It somehow helps me when I write it down, even it's kinda silly to have it written publicly online instead of in a diary. I just want to let the other half of people to know that you are not alone. We go through things, and tough times, and the hardest part is that when we feel so alone to go through it. Huh, I am just being reminded the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Goodness, I am so forgetful. Let's remind one another, one thing at a time, from time through time. OK, Got to go to sleep after standing for about 5 hours, after haven't done that in ages and another long hours of standing coming tomorrow.