Wednesday, July 6, 2016

So, It's the Time of Year > RAYA!!!

Yeay! Raya dah sampai. I am so relieved that the DAY is here! Even though we are celebrating hari raya without my late stepfather, or should I just call him father since he acted like one especially the fact that he stayed and never left me. That is why I have loved him more than my biological father. Heh, kenapa cerita benda sedih ni? Bukan lah benda sedih, tapi nak buat macam mana kan? Apapun, alfatihah for him. May his soul rests in peace.

So, what I did for this raya? Goodness! MAJOR SPRING CLEANING!!!

Signboard yang agak menakutkan
I thank God I am almost done with it. Just a couple more to go. Some parts at the front, the patio if you will, and the rooms. Some scrubbing to do. Then, the house can be deemed as a new home. I am so glad of what I have done for the house because it gives more space to breathe. Or else, it is totally like a store room, which is not acceptable according to me. Besides, I plan to come back for good after I finish my study in the States. I just want them be in a space that can be called home. Home where we create and I hope I help out to create more homey feeling. Huhuhu. I even considered to provide cleaning service. Not really a company, just a house help. What I would offer any assistance required at the household ranging from sweeping, cleaning, wiping, scrubbing, dusting, or even folding the clothes.

*knock knonk* Housekeeping!
Apart from the cleaning, what else?

MENGECAT BEB! Whoah! Semua orang takkan percaya kita boleh mengecat. Wah, camtu. Nah kau iklan Dulux free. LOL
Then, what else have I done? Baking!

Alangkah girangnya hidup kalau aku dok baking cantik macam ni. HAHAHA
So I made four cookies for raya. First up,
KUIH SEMPERIT!!! Tapi sedeh sikit lah rupa dia
Last but not least,
Selama dua hari, dapat buat 4. Kira okelah kan? Tapi ada lah tolong ibu buat kuih siput. Ekspres punya. HAHAHA. Like literally very very quick!

Bila hari dah raya, kita biasa-biasa ja. I even still cleaning because the momentum is still there. Therefore, I need to get going. Hence, I did some cleaning and arranging in BAJU RAYA, HAHAHA

Even penat sangat, I am glad. Sebab apa? Sebab penat mana pun, letih mana pun, sakit hati jugaklah sebab takde orang tolong sangat, in their defense, I am so picky and choosy and very cerewet! So I was always left alone working on my shit together. But then again, it is a part of the experience. How sourpuss I was, I should just embrace it. Let's be joyful.

Selamat hari raya, maaf zahir dan batin.


Sunday, June 12, 2016

So, Should The Relationship Worth Being Given a Try?

My question: What people really look for when it comes to companion or a relationship? Speaking from the point of view of a hopeless romantic, I find it is ridiculous that people always toss whatever built for a relationship down the drain just like that when they just feel "I'm so done". What mood I am in right now? Verily heartbroken and feeling sorry for everything including myself. I am on my way back, in a flight, trying to survive the long haul flight, and watching devastating reality, not really the exact reality, of being in a relationship is totally not a good idea. I just feel so bad about life in general, where I try to build relationship, instead I pushed the people away, or they it just happen that I grow the dislikeness in them especially when I tried so hard to attract them. You know why I would do that? Because I treasure relationship. Sometimes, I might get carried away while straightening myself out of other self-inflicted issues, I hate to admit that I might abandon people who care. Why am I being so defensive now? I am just confused. Then, what people really want for a relationship?

I rarely been into a serious relationship. They were rather disappointing than to brag about it, how great they were back then. This happen may be because I keep on focusing on the bad times of the experience, not giving the chance of good times to shine its way while walking down the memory lane.

Let me dance around... lalalala
I watched 27 Dresses, my all-time favorite, which breaks my heart every time I watch Jane is brokenhearted that the person she admires is admiring someone else, instead of herself for being so devoted, empathetic, and caring. However, the ending always find its way too soothe me back to my senses. I feel so alive. Being broken then mended.

It hit me at the right places, to make me feel so bad and sorry for myself...
The second movie that got me into thinking about this is Blue Valentine. The happy heart just turned so blue. I thought the guy is so nice that he tried all he had to win back his wife's heart, for whatever reason her feelings are waning towards the marriage. In my opinion, she is the one to be blamed. She is seeking solace during her bleak days before she met this crazy spontaneous guy that was, still is I guess, in love with her but she just feel like she was already fell out of love for him. He tried to talk to her, but then she is right when she tried to talk him in that he always twist it back to her. In his defense, don't she just get it already that he enjoyed being a father, which he never thought of doing that before. He somehow bury his dreams (whatever they were) in the grave that he intends to give his daughter the best childhood that he never had. Therefore, she should be understanding but she doesn't want to. Instead, she keeps on provoking him into being something useful other than doing freelance mover job and nursing their daughter. He literally saved her, did something that he didn't want (being a father), took great care of her daughter. However, she just wanted it to be over. He never uses battery or anything that would hurt her but she keeps on hurting him emotionally. I feel so bad for that guy. I find it so romantic and caring for a man who looks after his kids. Then, I clicked on the music. The Ballads compilation in the SQ has all I needed to continue feeling sorry for myself. It is rather disturbing, but, unusually, comforting at the same time.

Is that how relationship will always gonna end like?


Monday, June 6, 2016

So, Withdrawal Syndrome Strikes

When I finished the spring semester, as usual as the norm of a spring semester - at least to me - was the difficult semester compared to the fall semester. Thank God I am done with the spring semester, at least for now. I never had any summer courses, never intend to do so because I just want to complete the program according to the initial plan. Why? Because I haven't quite figured out yet the subsequent plan after graduation. Therefore, I am gonna use all the time granted upon me to do all the thinking and planning, which I hope would be one of the things that I am considering doing. Not gonna end it ever so quickly. I believe it's gonna get along with the thinking process *praying hard*.

idk if I look like this when I pray, do I?

Well, I learned a lot, I guess, from the most recent semester. It was rather tough, but I think it was enough to morph me into a butterfly, not yet a beautiful one, which I believe in reincarnation where I can turn into a better butterfly. Why? Because every time I make mistakes, I learn that it will help me to grow, in different perspectives, be it learning new information or useful skills. Therefore, learning from mistakes I made is the reincarnation process, which I will continue on turning into a better butterfly. That is basically my plan for this phase of my life. I used to be so scared to avoid mistakes as it took the most of me even I just lost the essence of myself. I always think of myself to be that nice person which I love to hang around, make them laugh, make people feel good about themselves, but because of I am avoiding the mistakes, I realized I learned less and pushed so many people away, including my loved ones. Realizing so many things along the journey in the city that never sleeps, I would like to take a step back before I move forward. And I am glad I did.

Speaking about mistakes does not mean we are allowed to make mistake intentionally. We shall avoid as much obvious mistakes, since we are learning, vigilant enough to find ways to overcome the unknown. However, there are limits that we might not be able to avoid. Instead of being so scared and afraid to fail, be daring enough to continue on doing what we might feel the best, after considering many factors and options, at least at that point of time, to complete the task or whatever at hand. On the same hand, we shall understand the potential ordeals, if the following decision was about to be made, in order to be prepared, however, putting aside the fear is one of the best ways to deal with under such circumstances.

So, the semester is over. I went for a quick trip to Niagara Falls with a few pit stops along the way and celebrated the convocation of my close friends, who are going to leave me soon. After that, there was nothing much to do. Therefore, the withdrawal syndrome struck. I thought it was just something temporary that was bothering me and will go away. I am still considering that I stopped taking my dietary supplements might be one of the reasons. Feeling depressed is very normal to me every now and then. Usually it just goes away. But this time around, I feel so bad that lasted quite a long time. I didn't feel like going out, didn't feel like talking to anyone, or even to do something. Like literally wanting so badly to sleep through the day wanting so badly for the day to end. However, I was sane enough not to skip my meals and I had normal appetite during the period. So, what happened?

After talking to my friends about it, my close ones, after a couple of failed attempts because everyone has their own commitments. A reminder that I have to keep reminding myself over and over again: The world DOES NOT revolve only around you.

So, withdrawal syndrome happened. Literally, A withdrawal syndrome, also called a discontinuation syndrome is a set of symptoms occurring in discontinuation or dosage reduction of some types of medications.

I realized that I had nothing to do with school for the time being made me feel so bad that I just have to laze around. It is like you just got into the rhythms of a dance and you really enjoy dancing, but there's no music to dance to, even you can just turn on the music on but somehow the idea of having no music at that particular time just shut that part of your brain to find the source of the music. I was so into what I did, even I had panic attacks when the school supposedly finished but I still had something to submit. Ironically, when it was over, I felt so lost as if I did not have anything to do, even I can just open a book and read something that interests me, but it was kinda hard.

Another contributing factor could be the fact that my close friends are about to leave. Might be my mind was elsewhere in its own dreamland imagining the days without them unconsciously. They are so awesome people who always been there for me physically here in the city when I need a friend. They lift me up, they help me out of the mess I was in. They were awesome, and still are. My mind just wandered the empty space. Not really understanding the situation, but to roam aimlessly within the realm that I called, "emptiness". I was imagining what happened if my doses of happiness had been stopped from being subscribed to me.

Even I tried to "resuscitate" myself to be back alive by trying to do stuffs that I would always love doing, but it didn't work. I watched and prepared so many episodes of TV series that my friends recommended me to watch, which usually excited me but I was not. Watched the whole two seasons of Jane the Virgin, then I realized something.

I realized that I have to realize and comprehend the state of mind that I was in. Also, I realized that I need time to realize. It cannot happen just with a snap of the fingers. If it was too soon, then, everything would snap. Why? Because we might learn less than what we should have learned. It took me at least a week to realize. Another reason might be because of the people I am surrounded by. Then, the reminder is back in place: The world DOES NOT revolve only around you

Then, earlier today, I had to speak with my friend on our way back to our houses. Interestingly, she has the same beliefs that I might have forgotten along the way while I had my metamorphosis. I am really glad that I was reminded to believe in it again. Thank you kakak for reminding me. Thank you for bringing me back up on track. You are annoying at times, but like we always been told, don't judge a book by its cover, even the fact that we are always compelled to judge no matter how we tried not to. But then again, you remind me to just think good thoughts, nevertheless. You are just inspirational and I adore you. Lots of love.

Learning is a lifelong process that shall never stop.

This post might sound cheesy to some, I hope it helps the other half of the people reading this. It somehow helps me when I write it down, even it's kinda silly to have it written publicly online instead of in a diary. I just want to let the other half of people to know that you are not alone. We go through things, and tough times, and the hardest part is that when we feel so alone to go through it. Huh, I am just being reminded the reason why I started this blog in the first place. Goodness, I am so forgetful. Let's remind one another, one thing at a time, from time through time. OK, Got to go to sleep after standing for about 5 hours, after haven't done that in ages and another long hours of standing coming tomorrow.


Monday, May 30, 2016

So, Chicago Fire: Just the Dose I Needed

I love the fact that I compelled to watch the series of Chicago Fire was based on my instinct
Just recently I learned that my instinct can be considered as a reliable source when I am in doubt
I usually don't trust it as much, but I think I will talk about instinct and intuition on the later post
It is an interesting subject
So, this time around is about the series
Chicago Fire!
Awesome series and you should start to watch them!

Look at the casts! They are just awesome!
I wish I can put a lot of the exclamation marks because it has been nothing but amazing!
There you go, another exclamation mark

Essentially, the series is about good Samaritans being great fire fighters in order to make sure the the neighborhood is safe from the hazards, apart from fire
Also, it is how sickening that people can do such bad things
Arguably, those people who did the bad things might have so much in their plate that they were compelled to do anything they were willing to do
On the other hand, the quick responses from the rescue team are required and never failed to amaze me
Again, it is just a drama arguably

It is interesting that the show presents how a fire house has to deal with different scenarios
And the bottom line of such events is to save lives
Definitely, it is a very tough jobs that impact the life of the fighters
Also, the fighters are just human
Just human
They have their own lives to handle
However, they have to be as rational as they can muster because there are lives are on the line
And that is, in my opinion, is the hardest part of all and applies to all of the people in this world
Keeping ourselves sane is hard especially when things got rough but then you needed to be sane because it will impact the lives of others, even the job that you have worked your ass off to get where you are
It is tough but it would be easier, in theory, to look at it as something that is easy to handle
Arguably, it is not that tough if you can train your mind to deal with such things
On the other hand, if your expectation require not only your own selves, then, it is going to be a little bit harder because involving another person would be a bit difficult
Why? Because they are just an uncontrollable factor because other people work separately, out of your control
If you are too dependent on other people, it is going to be harder
Why? You will be affected by the person you depend on
However, how to deal with that if that is the only thing that your gut is telling you, (read: you need someone to lean on)?

Side question: how can I deal with other people -- who refuse to learn self-control and keep on complaining about life in general that their life suck considering that I know that their life is not as bad, at least better than mine -- when I have worked so hard to have that sense of sense control? Somehow, I just felt so unfair
Maybe I need to learn more about it

Back to the series...
I love almost all the casts
The casts are successful to convince me that there are good people on earth, regardless, it is just a mere drama series
Arguably, there should be such people because there are real fire houses
There should be such nice people
Kelly Severide, Matt Casey, Wallace Bodden, Gabriela Dawson, just to name a few
They are just awesome
Tbh, I just wanna be like them that I think I should pick up their good qualities
But then, it is totally devastating that Leslie Shay died
She was one helluva friend that I wish I could have
Very supportive and very caring as well as very selfless
This is where I am about to direct this post: support system

Like mentioned earlier, the series taught me a lot about how to be there for someone
Everyone would experience that one time when they feel they are so alone with what they have to deal with
Everyone would experience that one time when they feel like they are the only ones who have to deal with the shit they have to deal with
Everyone would experience that one time when they feel like the world has been nothing but unfair to them
Everyone experience that

It takes a whole of a big heart and courage to do whatever they are doing
Of course, they are just actors and actresses playing their roles in the series
My point is that, they are people are putting their lives at risk to help others, especially those are in the lines of work similar to fire fighters
It is amazing how the series portrays the support that everyone should have for everyone
However, no sweat in doing so
In addition, it takes honesty and other virtues in order to be such such a good sport
Everyone needs one, everyone wants one
Someone to have their back during the good and bad times
How I wish that I would have such support they have in the drama
Maybe I am asking too much but life is, but a dream
You can't blame a girl for trying
On the contrary, I think I am getting the support I have been dreaming about
I have a friend who is coming around when I need one
What should I do?
Appreciate them
What else should I do?
Be the support that I think my close circle is needing
They will come around when you need one

I am trying to do what I feel like doing
What my guts is telling me to do
It says, "Do what you feel like doing because you only have one lifetime."
How general that statement is but I feel good about it
You should to
For now, I feel like being a good support to any one who consider me to be in their emergency contact list
I would ask myself to go extra miles in order to move forward in being one helluva good friend
Of course, there will challenges
I hope I can pass with flying colors
Best wishes for me


Wednesday, February 24, 2016

So, When the Past Just Passing By

Oftentimes when we learn how to move on, suddenly the past came back, passing by
Heck to that!
As if you were strolling ever so happily on your favorite street, like you live the life you wanted
Happier than you never before

But then, you saw this one familiar face
At first, you did not really recognize the face
However, you felt something brewing inside
You just had no idea what that was
You thought harder about the face, the feelings stirred inside
Then, it struck very hard that it was that person
The person who was once meant the whole world to you
The person who was once made your world go round
And the same person who made your world shattered into pieces that you could never imagine picking up the pieces to put it back together

It was very difficult
It required the strength of God to go through it
But that's hardly to happen
Hence, you ended up curling into a ball
Drenched with sadness
Like someone died that day
Literally, as if you died that day
Back to square one
The point when you feel like nothing mattered to you anymore
It happens almost all the time, to me, personally

It is so hard to learn back how to walk when you fell so hard
It is so hard to learn back how to love when hatred was the only thing you knew
It is so hard to learn back how to smile when you felt like there was nothing to cheer up on
It is so hard to learn back how to live when you knew there was nothing to look up to

At first, I had no idea why the cycle keep on going over and over again
Especially when you feel like there was no one watching over you
When you feel like you were alone the whole time
As if there was no one's there to hold you when you feel like crying
When you tried to reach out, there's no one there to reach out for

It's tough
It's depressing
It's harsh
It's painful

As the cycle keeps on going on and on and on
I felt so tired
I felt so hopeless
I felt so helpless
I felt so alone

But somehow, I had an epiphany
It somehow dawned on me that the time has come
To learn back how to walk, even when my legs refused to do so
To learn back how to love, even my heart said no
To learn back how to smile, at the silliest things, at all the small things
To learn back how to live, the life that I had always imagine living

Disregard how tough, how tired you are
Disregard how depressing, how hopeless you feel
Disregard how harsh the reality that you feel helpless
Disregard how painful of being alone

It is one chance of living that we have to make full use of it
I know it may sound cliche, but yeah, we choose the life we want to live in
If we choose happiness, then, happy life lies ahead, vice versa
Therefore, make the happy choice once you wake up in the mornings, even though heaviness might be very disturbing to make such choice

Think good thoughts
Think good things
Think happy things
Think happy thoughts

How hard your past gets you crawling, fight back the tears, muster the smile
How hard your past gets you down on your knees, fight back the tears, muster the smile

Smile, smile, smile
As bright as the sun, even it's a gloomy day

You will be the one who decide how your days going to be
People around you might exert some effects on how you are feeling
But then again, it is you who have the control over your own self
And, just a gentle reminder, you don't have the control over another human being

They are what they are
You can't control to be what you like them to be
You can't control how you'd like them to treat you, how nice you wanted them to treat you
You can't control why someone do not like you
You can't control the other person
You just can't

And just know that you are not obliged of how they behave
Good or bad
They are what they are

Thus, better be control on what is controllable
That is our own selves
You will make it through the rain, yes you will

p/s: it's fine to let the tears fall sometimes


Wednesday, February 10, 2016

So, Secret Love Song

I always heart Little Mix, the British girl band
They have never been nothing but amazing
Will never miss their album
Now they are on the third album as a group after winning the X Factor UK

My current obsession, I think will always be, is Secret Love Song featuring Jason Derulo
I just wanna have it up here because it is amazeballs!
Check it out


Monday, January 18, 2016

So, It Was A Year Ago Today

A year ago today when I was at the KLIA waiting for my very first outbound flight
And my first outbound flight was to the city, where everyone is dying to be in or should I say a place where everyone wants to belong to
It's friggin' NYC yall!

I hope it is still not too late to wish yall a happy new year!
It is just a number, to some
Or maybe it is a new journey to many
It depends on how each of us is taking it in
It doesn't matter as long as we can live happily ever after among us

Here I am today, on my bed, listening to Pieces of Me by Ashlee Simpson, in my fav pajama pants and shirt writing this post
I know it has been awhile
I always wanted to write something beneficial to people
Meaning something factual or something that comes with facts and figures or tips to do stuffs
But apparently to no avail
To be honest, there is one draft waiting to be edited and posted, which supposedly before this one, but I was stuck with time and idea of how to put it
Might as well I am going to just write whatever I want
Because diverging into that direction is not the primary or sole purpose of this blog
Like I mentioned on my Twitter page, this blog will mean solely for random rant
Whether people like it or not, would that really matter to me?
To be honest, yes
But somehow, when I think again about it, it will never really bring you anywhere when pleasing everyone is the major concern when life is in question
There will never be the end of the road if I want to please everyone
What am I saying is that, I am going to do what I feel good for myself and will never ever harm someone else
This world will be a better place if everyone thinks the same
Yes, there might be things that will never be resolved, but we have to go on living the life we would like to live in, instead of a mere imagination where we can never live happily

The society has it that fake it until you make it
I like the saying
It is because change is unavoidable
However, how good the change would be, depending upon how one perceive it
As for me, I would do it as long as it is beneficial to many in a good way

Another saying that I like now is that there is no right or wrong answer to anything
Because I used to be so affixed to the idea that everything should be the way everything is
Under most circumstances, I do agree there should be lee ways of doing things
But in some circumstances, they should never go against what we believe in

So, this ranting is all about how NYC has taught me over the year
I thought of being good in academics since that was what I promised one of my fav lecturers
However, NYU brings me in different direction
It is about me learning about myself in learning about what is going around
I would say it has been a very interesting ride of 2015
I learn quite a number of stuffs  about me
I hope I will keep on learning this
I would rather take this trip to the States as my Sabbatical trip
It has been quite an eye-opening journey
I have no idea why I feel so scared of the future

Previously, I put less importance of how substantial my very own stance and view about stuffs
It had made me feel secured and safe
Because I don't have to worry about personal attacks
Taking everything as a general assumptions instead or something personal, had helped me to jump over the hurdles
However, at this point of time, I feel like, "What actually am I doing?"
That question still lingers in my head
I will keep on asking myself with that question, over and over again
So that the answer will come to me sooner or later
Therefore, the idea of sticking to your stance and being original is somewhat interesting and intriguing
Somewhat scaring me at the same time
It gives me a helluva anxiety, at most times
Anyhow, I am learning of dealing with it, on my own terms
I hate to be instructed that seemingly to be bossed instead of a mere task which one can go about it in order to complete it

I just finished watching If I Stay
I teared up
I think I teared up too when I first saw the movie, which I can't recall when
Blergh, so bad at remembering
What appear to be very bold to me are the idea of sacrifice and love
I might not be lucky with the latter one
But I would do anything for the first matter in order to keep my loved ones safe and protected
I used to be that resilient bitch with all armored and ready to fight whatever coming in my way
I, somehow, feel that I am losing that piece of bitch in me over time
I have no idea whether it is self-pity or just a mere transition
I hope it is just a mere transition
Really hope that self-pity will just go away because I hate to feel that way
Because it is very downgrading in a way how I would appreciate myself

Hence, will keep on looking on what makes me feel positive and bright
The reason being is that I want to attract the right vibration - positivism, happiness, liveliness
My current fav philosophy of life that I learnt from the movie called A Theory of Everything that is, "Where there is life, there is hope."
Let's hope for a better tomorrow


p/s: I am working on soundcloud project. It's plumandpeach music. I sound rather depressing than brilliant, at least for now, I hope. Do check my covers :D