Monday, November 12, 2012

So, Which Way Should I take?

I've no idea which path should I choose
To keep on moving way beyond my will and ability?
Or
To keep it at par, letting things being just nice without making myself struggle? Or to feel like struggling
Back when I was a child, there was nobody cared to explain of what should I know
I couldn't ask because they'd mocked just like the mocking birds
I think, I had too many mockings that made me very sensitive
Being so defenceless, assaulted with too many taunts like I was the black sheep of the family
Like I was cursed, bringing bad omen to the family
That was what I feel
Even though they were just fooling around
There was nobody consoling me
To make me feel better
I made my way up
On my own
To just rely on a few hearts, who was really care
The hearts are including Ibu
Even she was struggling hard to keep up with our upkeep
She worked at a factory with too many overtime
She took sewing jobs for baju kurung and langsir
She was always thinking about others that she thought less about herself
I was the innocent child who know nothing
That she couldn't help to spend much time nurturing
I was young and was thinking, just to make her feel good to have me
As her child
Even I was suffocating for attention, for love
I know, I needed to be strong
And I did
I had no idea of how the feeling to have parents, to be controlled by them
I had no idea going for shoppings
I had no idea of how to ask for things that I want from parents
I had no idea what to tell about them when someone asked me
I had no idea about a lot of things
I want to thank Isrul Nazmi for spending a lot of time, playing with me when nobody wanted me to be around
We built cars and went down the hills with that car, we climbed mangosteen trees, we played Power Rangers
U have no idea how happy I was back then
We departed for so long
I hope u'll accept me for who I am when we meet again some times in near future
To Fatihah
Thank u for being the greatest companion coming back from evening school
U have no idea how excited I was to go back
It was not because school time was over
But it was because I had u to talk to along the way
I misses that so much
When I talked continuously, as usual, riding on bikes
It was nice
I hope we can still be the same when we meet again
Ilani, your bestfriend is getting married next weekend
She used to like me and I like her, too
For the record, I don't think I'm good for her
She deserves better and I hope that her husband to be will treat her right
When I need to figure out whatever I was needed
I would rather making it as simple, yet believable
Even I, myself, have no idea what does it regards with
That was what I've been doing all this while
As long as I passed, I'm already happy
Afterwards, I'll forget what I did
That's for sure
When I was trying to be what I am now was all lies
I've been doing it because I needed to
Not because I want to do it
I used to do things without my consent
Because I was not told to do things for myself
But to keep the people around me happy
And this is true
When I was a pupil, I wouldn't go to the toilets
Because I was afraid of teachers getting mad going back and forth to the toilets
After 6 years of holding the peeing sensation, I got attuned to be that way
Up to the point that I forgot how does it feel to pee
Unless my bladder is totally max in capacity
Now, I practise to go to the toilet occasionally because I think I need to, even I don't feel like peeing
To blog, I do it because I feel like doing it
And I like to pour my heart out here
Much to most people's disgust
To tell all those saddening things to other people as if you are the only one suffering
I just can't help it
I need to let it out
Or else, it makes me feel so not good
Suicidal, maybe
I've no idea how to make everybody's happy
Even the things that might help me to be happy, being despised
That's why I need to address this question
So far, I've no answer to it
Nevermind
I can feel the answer is coming
I'll keep myself busy accomplishing my tasks
Keep it going
And going
And going
Never stop and
Dwell on the past
Kak Ogie cakap benda ni masa Melodi tadi
Still, I have no idea whether I can take it in or not
Let the time decides



XOXO



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