Sunday, June 26, 2011

so, I'm struggling to live


What makes I’m going through the feeling which states that I am constantly forcing myself to go on living?



What does it mean really, a constant struggle?
I think I always keep myself forceful to do whatever in my life
It is hard for me to find a time, where I do really enjoy myself to do something
Daily routine cannot be done effortlessly, which means I am not natural doing so and always need to add extra effort on it
I found that I’m having a hard time almost all of the time due to occasions, which is bad ones, where I have the thought that I might have done something wrong to the people around me that make them away from me
Therefore, I keep my guard up so that I do not tear any of the hearts and souls that I encounter along the way

gung-ho!
hiya!


However, the results are good to others to judge and give out comments and at the same time are not satisfying to me
As if I do not want it unlike others who may seem to be too excited to spill the beans about it
On the other hand, it helps me somehow

Terabur dah kopi aku
Kutip cepat

There are almost everything I do is a struggle
For example, I struggle to cheer people up to make their lives look better than the way they look it at first, but apparently, my life is not as good as well
Doing assignments, who thinks it is not a struggle?
Obeying the rule seems to be hard as days go by; people keep on complaining about the rules and keep on saying, “rules are made to be broken”
I, too, believe on that part, but in different perspective
And the worst part is that, I tend to hate the existence of rules, even hating to hear the word having been said
The hatred is way beyond my own realisation
It is happening unconsciously when I try to make people to look it from a better angle
Later, the reverse effect on me is that I am having second thoughts about it while having my own mind to debate about it
The side that wins is disregarding the rules, do not want to bound to any rules
I am afraid of rules also because of the worry to break it as I do not like to be punished, scolded, etc

Oh, my worst nightmare

After having a big thinking sessions, especially before going to sleep which happens unconsciously, I think, it is because of my insecurity
I am afraid of a lot of things
I am afraid of making mistakes because there are a lot of people watching over me
To get ready, to get a hold on my flaws as their strength
Also, it is because I used to be alone almost all the time
I do not know how it really feels to be given such attention by somebody else
Most of my friends got their parents to get their things for school or for daily activities ready
They did not have to think about their lives entirely at the moment, out of worries
They lived carefree
Got sent from and to school
Got somebody to teach the homework
Got somebody to talk about something about happiness, remorse, enjoyment, celebration, etc
Therefore, they are ready to take the responsibility as an adult easier as they do not think it is not that hard
Therefore, they are not insecure
They have all the confidence needed



Improper nurtured kids, may have all of sorts of adversities to face
Life is getting hard from day to day as they didn’t get proper support they were ever need while they are growing
Melentur buluh memang kena dari rebungnya so that a better future the kid may have

kut2 xpenah tengok rebung kan?

Jadi cenggini

To be fair, I should think about children or people who are unluckier than I am now
That’s what one of my best friends always ask me to do when I think about devastating sorrow
Each of everybody is having different life to live for and there are reasons behind it as He knows best for each of us
Let’s believe in that


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