Sunday, June 19, 2011

so, I am just the child

It has been awhile that this one question have been intruding my mind

"Are you ready to be an adult? To be responsible? To take responsibility of what you did or for others too?"

Responsibility is a word that weighs too hard on me
Along the way, up until now, I still afraid of taking it
Or maybe the environment didn't let me

Some situations make question to amplify, to echo louder in my mind
Making me so annoyed that I cannot think straight

I have been a competent driver, legally, but experience-wise and practically, I am not
I cannot drive as good as my other siblings
Though two out of three of them haven't got their license yet
Why was that happen?
Because my mother won't let me drive as she afraid I might not be able to handle the wheel
which might involve me in car accident or whatsoever
My other siblings got the 'license' already but I am not
That makes me feel like I am a child

I just dunno how to convince my parent that I am good enough to do so
The effects from no letting me do what I think I can do is that I am afraid of a lot of thing
The apparent effect was when I paid a visit to my father yesterday
I was not able to be a helping hand
I just watched my brother fluffing the pillow, pulling him up a bit to make him feel comfortable
It was a simple act but I was still
No any mere movement to help, just a sheer audience there

I felt the guilty, the uneasiness in his eyes
As if I should never been there as I was not worth to be around
It was the kind of pain
Which I wish I should have never felt in the first place
I have been suffering a lot kind of pains
This one is excruciating and softly killing me

I am afraid of it
Hopefully I can overcome it

Despite the situation, I enjoy being treated like a child
Eventually, I think, I am able to take the responsibility
Maybe slowly
Just a matter of time
But now, I am still the child

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